Saving the World from Twilight

                                      How To Save The World From The Twilight Fandom

          Today's world is riddled with problem after problem we must conquer. Global warming, the recession, bad healthcare, war, high gas prices, pollution, and the apocalypse in 2012… it seems there is no hope left for humanity. But none of the politicians have addressed the worst problem of all. This pathetic attempt at literature has most likely already infected the thoughts of every person you know, teaching their susceptible, impressionable minds valuable life lessons such as effective methods of preventing a boyfriend from breaking up with them, which include constantly wallowing in self pity, jumping off cliffs into freezing oceans, and making out with said boyfriend's worst enemy. It has infiltrated every aspect of our lives, massacring a subject matter that used to be reserved for the kids who wear trench coats and too much eyeliner. Pandemic? I think so. But fortunately for a very few sensible people, it's not too late to prevent the Twilight fandom from ruining your taste in books, your taste in movies/TV, and ultimately, your sanity.

          So what exactly is Twilight? Simply put, Twilight and its sequels are by far the most terribly written books in history (yes, even worse than Of Mice and Men and anything else you're forced to read in your sophomore year English class). The characters are shallow, disgustingly perfect or infuriatingly annoying. To say there is even a shadow of a plot is a gross exaggeration. The novels came out so quickly one after another and got exceedingly worse with each sequel, that by the time you're into the last one it's fairly obvious that Stephenie Meyer had stalked around on internet forums, copied and pasted from the fanfics of various 12 year olds, and sent it off to the publisher claiming it as her own. The main focus of the series is the nauseatingly flawless vampire Edward Cullen and his vampire family. But these aren't your average vampires – instead of burning to death in sunlight, they sparkle. As well as sparkling, the sad excuses for vampires don't even drink human blood; they hunt cougars and grizzly bears. The author really seems to have something against nature – in addition to encouraging hunting of endangered species, the amount of paper it took to print millions of these books probably decimated about half of the Amazon rainforest (at least we know that when the natural gas reserves run out, the Twilight series will provide us with enough material to heat our homes for the next 200 years). The other man in the series is Jacob Black, who, in a cliché twist of fate, turns out to be a werewolf. And the narrator, Bella Swan, is a klutzy idiot who will eventually cause you to keep a bottle of Advil handy while reading this series, because her unending stupidity, bad choices, and self pity will surely give you the worst migraine you have ever experienced in your life. Not to mention the fact that you may have to begin attending anger management classes because of how unbelievably frustrated she will make you.

            The rabid fans of the Twilight series, also known as "Twihards," divide themselves into either Team Edward or Team Jacob, depending on which character they have a massive obsessive crush on. The two teams fight as bitterly as fans at South American soccer games, and one should know to never come between two warring fans, as getting caught in the crossfire could cost you your life. The first step to being able to defend yourself against "Twihards" is knowing how to recognize them. An easy generalization is the fact that 99.9% of Twilight fans are female (the remaining .01% of male fans are probably gay and have a tendency to sparkle, i.e. Adam Lambert, the Jonas Brothers, etc). Furthermore, most of them are between the ages of 13 and 25, but one should be wary of older fans; many of the younger girls have gotten their mothers addicted to Twilight as well. The majority of Twihards are fairly easy to spot; in extreme cases, they may wear glitter (or force their boyfriends to wear it), and any Twihard is guaranteed to have a shirtless photo of either Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner within their reach at all times. Generally, you'll see them decked out in Twilight merch and other goth/emo clothing that they bought at Hot Topic. At first it may be difficult to distinguish Twihards from the other goth kids but upon close observation you will notice that the latter constantly complains about 1.) The fact that the Twihards are posers because Twilight vampires drink animal blood while the legit vampires (and goth kids) drink human blood, and 2.) The fact that Twihards are posers because they shop at Hot Topic. The remaining fans appear normal, blending easily into society. However, this does not mean that they can't be spotted, though methods of doing so can be quite dangerous. Walk into a crowd of people and begin shouting about how much Twilight sucks, and they will quickly make themselves seen and heard, but be warned: they will most likely coalesce into mob form and attack you in a manner similar to the zombies in the movie 28 Days Later.

          Now that you know the basics of the fandom, you should join the crusade to fight back against it. First of all, make sure you are armed with knowledge. This is a difficult situation: one cannot successfully bash Twilight without knowing what goes on in the series. Unfortunately, most people who read the series manage to kill more of their own braincells than your average cocaine addict, and therefore are more or less brainwashed into becoming a part of the fandom. Those who have more resilient braincells and can recognize what a horribly written series Twilight is still may not be able to handle the mental torture of reading it, and as a result will end their pain by performing self-lobotomies with a spork. Only a few people can read the series and retain their sanity, but they will suffer a long period of regret for wasting their time and money on such garbage. Thankfully, due to the fact that the books have no plot, you will be able to read a summary of all four within five minutes and nobody will be able to tell that you have never read the series.

          As discussed above, trying to take on Twihards face to face can be hazardous, and if you do try it, make sure you are capable of protecting yourself. A much safer, more effective way to tackle the fans is to attack them in their natural habitat: the internet. Whether they're clogging up forums posting their mediocre fanfics in which they are Bella Swan, or infesting Youtube with videos of their reactions to the previews of the Twilight movies (these reactions, by the way, would land any other person in a mental hospital), they are everywhere. So use your intelligence and try to reverse their brainwashed minds. Back up your arguments with facts, like how Stephen King said, "Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn." Tell Edward fans that looking like a walking disco ball in the sunlight is not an attractive quality. They know this, but they won't admit it right away. Tell Jacob fans that they are on the verge of bestiality. They will also be in denial about this at first, and members of both teams will become obnoxiously defensive about the fact that you are dissing their Bible and gods. They will then spend hours making a new video to post on their Youtube in which they claim that you are the one who doesn't have a life, and whine and cry about how malicious and closeminded the haters are. It's like Chris Crocker telling you to leave Britney alone, only worse. But with persistence, it is possible to turn the Twihards back into sane, functioning people. The trick is to not give up. Even if you cannot turn a fan over to the intelligent side, chances are they will eventually lose their hope that Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner will someday marry them, they will feel no more purpose in life, and consequently, will kill themselves by jumping off a cliff into the ocean, falling off a motorcycle, intentionally angering a werewolf, or some other Bella Swan-esque method of suicide.

          The sad reality is that the Twilight fandom has only just begun. In the coming years, more books will be read, more movies will be made, and more minds will be corrupted. Now that you are well informed, it is up to you to help stop this from happening. Convert as many Twihards as you can back to normal, because once Twilight is gone, the world will be a better place. Girls will stop having ridiculously unrealistic expectations of perfection in their boyfriends, the number of casualties in Team Edward vs. Team Jacob battles will decrease, and the Amazon Rainforest will be able to grow back. Who knows, the end of Twilight might even stop the apocalypse from happening, and the world will be saved from a fiery, sparkly doom.